I’ve declared 2018 the year that I start my journey to self-love. I say start because it’s something I hope to work on for the rest of my life. I’m a strong believer in that before anything else, we need to love ourselves so, the aim is for self-love to simply become a part of me. I have quite a negative self-image so self-love is something I really feel I need to embrace because I want to feel a lot more positive within and about myself. I know it isn’t going to be easy. Actually, it’s likely to be really quite difficult and that’s due to the self-esteem issues I have. For this post, I’m focusing on the self-esteem issues I have with my appearance.
I’ve had body issues my whole life. You know how everybody loves chunky babies; especially the fat rolls at the top of their legs? Well, I had those all over, and much like me, they’re stubborn and refuse to leave. I’ve never been into sport, so I haven’t had the exercise to balance out my eating habits and the bad eating habits include the fact that I’ve always chosen chips over a pasta salad. There have been times I have been happier with my weight, mostly while following the Slimming World plan and going to the gym but generally, I have never been happy with my naked body.
I decided in December that it was time for me to make a change (again) because to be honest, I reached rock bottom with my body image. I was on holiday and just felt so uncomfortable with myself and that’s not the person I want to be. I’m in the same headspace now, and it has got to the point where I look in the mirror and feel ashamed. I don’t want to be uncomfortable with myself anymore. I want to be able to enjoy a holiday and not spend every minute making sure I’m covered up as well as vetting every photo taken of me, only to describe myself as a whale and pray the photo doesn’t make its way on to Facebook. And when it does, being speedy at removing the tag and deleting it from my timeline.
I seem to have created a perfect version of myself that is unachievable. I place a lot of blame of this on the media because as we all know, they like to portray a perfect image and they tend to be off the same type of woman. The only similarity I have to this person is that I’m tall. Other than that, I’m broad shouldered, have a dodgy nose (yes, I do Mum and Dad), a big forehead, large boobs (it’s not a positive), belly rolls, thick thighs (not the good kind), big feet & a flat ass. The one thing I can identify physically that I like about myself are my cheekbones and I suppose I don’t hate my lips.
One thing I am is a realist. I may complain about my image but I know there’s nothing I can do about my height or my build and I know I can’t change my nose, forehead, boobs or bum without surgery (which I wouldn’t do anyway). The thing I can do something about, however, is my weight and I am determined to do it. I have done it a couple times before and annoyingly, this is why I feel so angry with myself because I’ve done it already and now have to do it again! I’ve lost two stone twice, and then piled it back on. This time around I’ve piled it back on plus more and I am at my heaviest weight, unfortunately. I know I can lose it again, I know I enjoy eating healthy and I know that when I put in the effort, my body does reap the results. So, let me state this here for everybody to read, I will do it.
The reason the way I feel frustrates me so much is that, like most things, I view myself as an exception to the rule. If anybody came to me feeling the way I do about themselves, I’d do nothing but promote self-love to them and explain that despite anything they’re feeling, beauty comes from within. So, why can’t I take my own advice? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a negative Nancy about every aspect of myself and with some things, I can see the beauty of me. I have some personality traits that in all honesty, I love about myself. I love that I’m a strong-willed character, I’m very caring and most importantly, I believe that the me that’s sat here in bed writing this blog post is a nice person. And in all honesty, the one thing I’d wish for my future children to be is kind.
I will be transparent and confess that I started the year of amazingly in terms of my diet, then ruined it. I then told myself I’d start again, did amazingly again for a few days, then had two days off where I ate pretty much everything. But, maybe this is the way it must be for me now. The previous times I’ve lost weight, I’ve always completely followed the rules. I mean followed it to the letter and lost weight quite quickly. The problem I’ve found with that was that when I did get a taste of something naughty, I realised what I’d been missing and then the diet pretty much flew out the window along with my food etiquette. So, maybe, hopefully, this time slow and steady will win the race.
I do believe I’ve already started the long journey to self-loving the internal me, and hopefully, I will now be on my way to starting the external self-love journey. I’ll continue to motivate myself by pinning numerous wellbeing pictures on Pinterest & I’ll discuss it on here because as I said I’m all for self-love and we all need to participate in self-care more often than we do.
If you came here for a positive viewpoint on self-love, sorry you haven’t quite got that from me yet but I will get there and will share the body positivity I gain for myself. Just remember that beauty comes from within and the one and only thing you should pride yourself on is being a nice person. If you’re looking for an extremely inspiring, self-loving individual to follow, you need to go watch Imogen(ation) on Youtube. I aspire to reach her level of self appreciation.
I’m so interested in hearing if any of you struggle with a similar thing and how you’ve worked on loving yourself. I could do with some tips.